ugh i thought i was so alone being a lesbian with romantic friends and wanting to dig deep in intimacy with all my friends. i wanted love to be free to develop organically, not bound by only hegemonic ideology. this article made me cry in relief knowing I'm not alone with only my closest girls doing this
The way this transcribed my exact thoughts on paper with such clarity and fullness, I want to scream at a 4am while reading this. Thank you for this expression. And for the book recommendation. I’ve been trying to figure out why just be non-monogamous wasn’t the end all be all. I’ve expressed to others how much I hate that I can’t do more, be more with everyone my life. Why is cuddling or dates or other intimacy only reserved for my partner?! Why must my love and/or attraction must be bounded to “my man” is the question that plays in my mind on repeat constantly. This has so beautifully articulated those thoughts and given me a conversation starters for the connections in my life!
Of course!! Pleasure Activism is a book I recommend to every single person as it offers a different perspective of desire and pleasure (relating to sex and a multitude of other nonsexual areas of life) than we've been taught by modern society (purity culture lol). You're not the only one asking these questions, and you'd be surprised at how many others crave the same thing but are apprehensive to express these "taboo" desires. I wish you all the love and radical honesty when having those conversations with your people! 💗
Sasadya, thank you for writing this. I absolutely love the gentleness with which you have explored all of these themes, especially as you sit with how you can truly honor your queerness, even in a relationship that appears outwardly as heteronormative. I think this is something I had forgotten to do myself, and as I have been slowly welcoming more romantic love with women into my life, I am learning that there are certain needs that I had never had fulfilled before. It feels so healing but also overwhelming! Sending you all the love as you are on this journey with yourself <3
This is actually how I've been feeling. Can we create a society that normalizes having both? To have intimate conversations that aren't centered around our ego, but rather love for one another. May I ask, how did this exploration change your relationship dynamic? Did the feeling of coming back home to your partner change?
Yes!! "Conversations that aren't centered around ego, but rather love for one another" I LOVE this reframe. On my end, I had a deeper respect and appreciation for my partner whom I no longer expected to fulfill my every single desire. I don't believe that pressure should be put on any one person. I did end up ending the relationship recently (for reasons unrelated), but I have a reference point now for what having this type of relationship feels like and how to navigate its challenges!
Yes. I'm on a different axis from yours in several ways, but the principle holds. *Tell* your partner(s) what you *really* like and want, and how every part of it makes you feel. Possibly this will reveal irreconcilable differences at some point, but that would be ultimately for the best (because otherwise they would still be irreconcilable, but hidden longer). More often than one might think, it will lead to some fantastic dream fulfillment.
Yes yes yes to all of this!!! And that's why radical honesty is not scary, because it very well might lead to the end of relationships. But like you said, at the end of the day, it's alwayssss for the best. TYSM for sharing your thoughts!!!!
Yes to all of this. So beautifully laid out before us the delicious table of expansive, queer, non monogamous, liberating love. Reflective, thoughtful, honest. More of this please!
Right, so obviously I read this a second time and wanted to restack every line. Ugh. I don't know how but it feels like you got the words out of my soul. I have been unlearning so much fear that was taught to me relating to my own queerness. I literally have 8 drafts on being gay just marinating because I have been terrified to complete them. I needed this today. Thank you
Adia! Your comments always bring me so much joy. This is truly what writing is all about for me. I completely understand having to unlearn the fear around queer expression and identity and that work is no joke. Let those drafts marinate for however long they need, but remember that they are waiting to be brought to life and shared with the world. You owe it to yourself my love 💗 I can't wait to see you and hug you one day soon!!!!
are you in my brain??? I’ve been struggling with what feels like this duality of my sexual orientation for ao long. how I’ve managed to narrow myself into the binary of being bisexual (even though I identify as pansexual) and seeing it as only one or the other, struggling with the limits of that narrow thinking. this inspired the hell out of me to reevaluate my queer identity and its meaning to me, as well as pleasure and desire and intimacy. pleasure activism has been on my tbr for a while and I just checked it out at the library thanks to you <3
Aaaahhhh I hope you get everything you need out of Pleasure Activism!!! It will truly be a book that I return to many many many times throughout my life, I'm sure of it. I very much understand the struggle of sexuality (I just wrote a whole nother essay on bisexuality in today's political climate!) so you are most definitely not alone. ROOTING FOR YOU BABE!!
I have been through this journey and it has been beautiful. To see also my partners lose the insecurities, to work through them together, cry together about how we still feel those things despite not wanting to, reaffirm our relationships... Becoming open to exploring every friendship, every relation as unique, as something that can evolve in multiple dimensions - not being bound by fixed labels...
I feel free and secure in ways I never did before.
Also made me realise I don't need cis people ^^ they are welcome, though.
I completely agree, it creates a new level intimacy that I honestly didn't know was possible. "I feel free and secure in ways I never did before" is SUCH a beautiful (and relatable) sentiment!!! Security is freedom and freedom is security. I will stand by that. Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts.
I tend to do this to the point that friends (male and female) have commented on it --- that is, treat my friends like romantic partners - check up on them regularly, buy flowers (yup, have bought flowers for men), make dinner, etc.
I think it's important to have that type of closeness outside of romantic relationships - instead of relying on a romantic/sexual partner for all of it.
LOVE THISSSS! To me, this really embodies queerness. To not allow constructs to constrict your expression of love. I love the way you're modeling that with your people.
Thank you for writing this! It’s given me much to think about, most of which I can’t fully articulate right now, but know I’ll be reflecting on this piece for days if not years to come. You also have a really beautiful and strong voice and I look forward to reading much more of your work.💗
Thank you so much for taking the time to express this! It truly means so much to me as I was nervous as fuck to share this on the internet haha I know it's been a minute so I hope you've gotten what you needed out of your reflection!!
ugh i thought i was so alone being a lesbian with romantic friends and wanting to dig deep in intimacy with all my friends. i wanted love to be free to develop organically, not bound by only hegemonic ideology. this article made me cry in relief knowing I'm not alone with only my closest girls doing this
😭 this brings me so much joy. I knew I couldn't be the only one, either! Go us for pushing past societal norms and doing what feels right instead 💗
i’m so happy we connected 😭 ❤️
The way this transcribed my exact thoughts on paper with such clarity and fullness, I want to scream at a 4am while reading this. Thank you for this expression. And for the book recommendation. I’ve been trying to figure out why just be non-monogamous wasn’t the end all be all. I’ve expressed to others how much I hate that I can’t do more, be more with everyone my life. Why is cuddling or dates or other intimacy only reserved for my partner?! Why must my love and/or attraction must be bounded to “my man” is the question that plays in my mind on repeat constantly. This has so beautifully articulated those thoughts and given me a conversation starters for the connections in my life!
Of course!! Pleasure Activism is a book I recommend to every single person as it offers a different perspective of desire and pleasure (relating to sex and a multitude of other nonsexual areas of life) than we've been taught by modern society (purity culture lol). You're not the only one asking these questions, and you'd be surprised at how many others crave the same thing but are apprehensive to express these "taboo" desires. I wish you all the love and radical honesty when having those conversations with your people! 💗
Sasadya, thank you for writing this. I absolutely love the gentleness with which you have explored all of these themes, especially as you sit with how you can truly honor your queerness, even in a relationship that appears outwardly as heteronormative. I think this is something I had forgotten to do myself, and as I have been slowly welcoming more romantic love with women into my life, I am learning that there are certain needs that I had never had fulfilled before. It feels so healing but also overwhelming! Sending you all the love as you are on this journey with yourself <3
The urge to restack every fucking line!!!
THIS MEANS SO MUCH COMING FROM YOU ILY!!!
I love you too.
This is actually how I've been feeling. Can we create a society that normalizes having both? To have intimate conversations that aren't centered around our ego, but rather love for one another. May I ask, how did this exploration change your relationship dynamic? Did the feeling of coming back home to your partner change?
Yes!! "Conversations that aren't centered around ego, but rather love for one another" I LOVE this reframe. On my end, I had a deeper respect and appreciation for my partner whom I no longer expected to fulfill my every single desire. I don't believe that pressure should be put on any one person. I did end up ending the relationship recently (for reasons unrelated), but I have a reference point now for what having this type of relationship feels like and how to navigate its challenges!
"radical honesty is hot"
Yes. I'm on a different axis from yours in several ways, but the principle holds. *Tell* your partner(s) what you *really* like and want, and how every part of it makes you feel. Possibly this will reveal irreconcilable differences at some point, but that would be ultimately for the best (because otherwise they would still be irreconcilable, but hidden longer). More often than one might think, it will lead to some fantastic dream fulfillment.
Yes yes yes to all of this!!! And that's why radical honesty is not scary, because it very well might lead to the end of relationships. But like you said, at the end of the day, it's alwayssss for the best. TYSM for sharing your thoughts!!!!
Yes to all of this. So beautifully laid out before us the delicious table of expansive, queer, non monogamous, liberating love. Reflective, thoughtful, honest. More of this please!
YOU ARE SO SWEET thank you so much!!! I appreciate it endlessly 🥰
Right, so obviously I read this a second time and wanted to restack every line. Ugh. I don't know how but it feels like you got the words out of my soul. I have been unlearning so much fear that was taught to me relating to my own queerness. I literally have 8 drafts on being gay just marinating because I have been terrified to complete them. I needed this today. Thank you
Adia! Your comments always bring me so much joy. This is truly what writing is all about for me. I completely understand having to unlearn the fear around queer expression and identity and that work is no joke. Let those drafts marinate for however long they need, but remember that they are waiting to be brought to life and shared with the world. You owe it to yourself my love 💗 I can't wait to see you and hug you one day soon!!!!
are you in my brain??? I’ve been struggling with what feels like this duality of my sexual orientation for ao long. how I’ve managed to narrow myself into the binary of being bisexual (even though I identify as pansexual) and seeing it as only one or the other, struggling with the limits of that narrow thinking. this inspired the hell out of me to reevaluate my queer identity and its meaning to me, as well as pleasure and desire and intimacy. pleasure activism has been on my tbr for a while and I just checked it out at the library thanks to you <3
Aaaahhhh I hope you get everything you need out of Pleasure Activism!!! It will truly be a book that I return to many many many times throughout my life, I'm sure of it. I very much understand the struggle of sexuality (I just wrote a whole nother essay on bisexuality in today's political climate!) so you are most definitely not alone. ROOTING FOR YOU BABE!!
🤍🤍🤍
I have been through this journey and it has been beautiful. To see also my partners lose the insecurities, to work through them together, cry together about how we still feel those things despite not wanting to, reaffirm our relationships... Becoming open to exploring every friendship, every relation as unique, as something that can evolve in multiple dimensions - not being bound by fixed labels...
I feel free and secure in ways I never did before.
Also made me realise I don't need cis people ^^ they are welcome, though.
I completely agree, it creates a new level intimacy that I honestly didn't know was possible. "I feel free and secure in ways I never did before" is SUCH a beautiful (and relatable) sentiment!!! Security is freedom and freedom is security. I will stand by that. Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts.
I tend to do this to the point that friends (male and female) have commented on it --- that is, treat my friends like romantic partners - check up on them regularly, buy flowers (yup, have bought flowers for men), make dinner, etc.
I think it's important to have that type of closeness outside of romantic relationships - instead of relying on a romantic/sexual partner for all of it.
LOVE THISSSS! To me, this really embodies queerness. To not allow constructs to constrict your expression of love. I love the way you're modeling that with your people.
this gives me hope. possession is a sneaky, funny thing. i will be sitting with that
Mmmmm it most definitely is!!! I hope you get what you need from your introspection 💗
Thank you for this beautifully authentic share🤗🌞💦🏄♂️
tysm for expressing your gratitude!!!
This was so damn beautiful and thought provoking! 🫶🏽🙌🏽🎉🪞
thank you so much!!!
Beautifully written & articulated. A necessary read for all.
thank you endlessly for sharing your thoughts!!!
Thank you for writing this! It’s given me much to think about, most of which I can’t fully articulate right now, but know I’ll be reflecting on this piece for days if not years to come. You also have a really beautiful and strong voice and I look forward to reading much more of your work.💗
Thank you so much for taking the time to express this! It truly means so much to me as I was nervous as fuck to share this on the internet haha I know it's been a minute so I hope you've gotten what you needed out of your reflection!!